A Test, A Serious Discussion and A Little Death
by MaxiP99
Summary: My addition to the great 3 part season finale and of course it's revolves around Shandy. Will Sharon be able to let herself lean on Andy after the tragic courtroom shooting? Will Andy be able to resist a drink if Sharon pushes him away?
1. Chapter 1

_**A Test, A Serious Discussion and A Little Death**_

 ** _Disclaimer:_** _These are not my characters they are fully James Duffs. I just love them so much and love to play with them._

* * *

Andy sat at the table and stared at three shot glasses. One was a shot of whiskey, Jack Daniels to be exact, one was bourbon and one was brandy. While he sipped cranberry and soda, his friend Patrick Sullivan, the owner of the bar and the bartender had been reluctant to give them to him knowing Andy had been sober for over 20 years, but he had finally acquiesced when Andy told him he was "testing himself."

"I'm still not keen on this, but here you go," Pat had said and put the drinks on the table. That was an hour ago. For the last hour Andy had sat there sipping his cranberry and soda and staring, sometimes picking the shot glasses up, smelling them and then putting it down again, without drinking them.

He had come here after a disagreement with Sharon. They had come home finally, after the terrible tragedy in the courtroom. He had wanted to help her, to hold her if she needed to be held. Do what he could to ease her through this horrible time, but she had pushed him away. Told him she didn't need him to take care of her. He had asked her why she refused to let him help her. She had said, "I'm afraid it will be too much. I can't risk that. I just can't. Give me space, Andy. You still have a lot of packing to do. Why not take care of it tonight. I'll see you at work tomorrow," she had then turned and walked out onto the balcony with a generous glass of wine.

Andy had followed her out onto the balcony, "Sharon, I'm not spending the night away from you. I'll not let you push me away. If you don't want my company right now, that's fine, I understand. I have something I have to do anyway, but if you change your mind I'll be on my side of the bed in a couple of hours." Then he had come here, to "test" himself. He had known instinctively what Sharon meant by 'I'm afraid it will be too much' and 'she couldn't risk it.' Jack had always blamed his inability to stay on the wagon on her. Any time she tried to let her now ex-husband know she needed his help or needed him to be there for her, like the birth of her children or a bad case at work. He had fallen off the wagon and then blamed her for it. Andy knew pushing him away was a knee jerk reaction for her based on past experiences. So he wanted to be the opposite of Jack. He wanted to be strong enough for her to be able to trust him. So he was trying to prove to himself and her that he was.

This test he was doing was different then sitting there while Provenza got drunk, like he used to before Sharon and Patrice because with Provenza they were celebrating the end of a case. There was nothing bad happening at the time. It was easy to resist the alcohol. There was no danger (at least not more than usual that is) there was no emotional turmoil like there was now in the mist of this terrible case. This case with the Neo-Nazis was brutal. So many lives taken, so much danger and it wasn't over. Everybody was scared. Sharon was shaken to her very core and yet, she had pushed him away. He knew it was because she was scared that if she leaned on him she would drive him to drink like she had done to Jack. She hadn't really, but Jack had made her believe his failings were her fault.

With this "test" which he was taping, by the way, Andy was hoping to prove to himself that she was wrong. That he was strong enough to get through this with her without drinking. He wanted to convince her to allow him in. He wanted to show her that his love for her made him strong. That he wouldn't turn to drinking because she unburdened herself to him, but he wanted to prove it to himself first so he believed it when he talked to Sharon again. "Andy, what are you doing Buddy?"

Andy looked up and saw his sponsor. "Hi, Bruce. Thanks for coming."

"No problem, but what's this? Andy you've been sober twenty-two years. Are you really going to throw all that away with everything you have to lose? Come on, Andy talk to me," said the robust man of sixty-six. He had silver hair, a salt and pepper goatee, with hazel eyes that we're currently full of concern.

"Actually no, I'm testing myself," Andy said seriously.

Bruce was completely confused. "Testing yourself? Andy, what's this all about?"

"You heard about the courthouse shootings?" Andy asked.

"Yeah, it's all over the news. Were you involved in that?"

Andy nodded. "My...my captain who you know is also my girlfriend, shot the guy point blank. She's...going through hell, but she keeps pushing me away because she's afraid she'll drive me to drink if she unburdens herself to me. If she lets me help her, she has this idea that I'm too fragile to lean on because of my alcoholism."

"So, what? You're proving her right?" Bruce asked indicating the three shot glasses.

He twisted his sobriety ring on his pinky finger that he worked hard to earn before answering his long time friend. "No, look I'm trying to prove to myself and her, that in spite all that's going on and is going to go on I will not drink. These shot glasses have been sitting there for an hour. I've picked them up I've smelled them, I put them down again and I drink my cranberry and soda. For a moment I almost faltered and I really wanted to taste them but I put them down then I called you. I guess what I really needed was someone to talk to, to hear me and maybe to remind me of what I have to lose."

"Andy, I don't have to remind you." Bruce squeezed Andy's shoulder, "you know what you have to lose, which proves my thought that this wasn't one of your brightest ideas. Why didn't you just go to a meeting? That's what they are for, Buddy."

"I know Bruce, I just wanted to prove to her and myself that I won't drink even if it's right in front of me..." Andy rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at the amber filled glasses taunting him. "You know, you're right. This was a bad idea. What I really should have done was skipped this part and just called you."

"Now you are talking. She's...um pretty wrecked huh?"

Taking a sip of his non-alcoholic drink without taking his eyes off the shots that could lead to his downfall. "Yeah, and I wanted to go to her and know within myself that I could stand strong, that I could be there for her. So that I could convince her it's okay to lean on me. How can I convince her if I'm not entirely convinced myself?"

"Why would you not know that you are? Is it her doubting you? Listen, we both know her ex is a first class asshole and most likely did a real number on her." Andy didn't speak, but nodded. "I suggest that you go back home and show her you are there for her. Her doubt has nothing to do with you. Her doubt has to do with her past experiences and you are not going to convince her she's wrong by leaving her at a moment when she really needs you to go to a bar..."

Andy defended his actions by stating, "but she pushed me away. She told me to leave. I did tell her I wasn't going to spend the night away from her, that I was coming back in a few hours."

Bruce decided his friend needed to hear the cold hard truth and gave it to him. "If she was testing you to see how far she could push you, you proved to her she was right. That you would leave her."

"We promised each other we wouldn't play those games." He set his drink down harder then necessary.

"Well, she may not have been doing it consciously. She's in a dark place, Andy."

Suddenly Andy realized the full implications of what he had done. He put his face in his hands. "And she probably thinks I don't understand where she's coming from, that I just call them all dirtbags and it doesn't affect me when I have to kill them..." Andy said sadly. He tried to remember if he had ever told her the main reason he had become an alcoholic, the cases that had pushed him over the edge. He doubted it. He tried not to think about that time too much. He stood up quickly put $35.00 on the table and left with Bruce following in his wake. "Thanks Bruce for helping me to see things more clearly," he said truly grateful as he walked quickly to his car. He turned and shook hands with his friend.

"You're welcome, Andy. Next time you need someone to talk to call me before you end up in the bar. Even if you are only there to "test" yourself." Bruce wore a smile but his tone was dead serious.

With a smirk he said," I will. Thank you."

Andy stepped on the gas and hurried home to Sharon. It was 11:00pm when he walked into the condo. He locked the door with the chain lock and the deadbolt, threw his keys into the metal bowl on the foyer table. Took off his shoes, and put his badge on the table, his gun in the safe box on the top shelf of the coat closet. The living room was dark. He was heading for the bedroom to see if she was there when he heard a strangled sob coming from the couch. He saw Sharon curled into the fetal position; she had changed from work clothes into his favorite peignoir and white cashmere sweater. Her eyes were closed, he could tell immediately that she had fallen asleep and was caught in the throes of a terrible nightmare. "No No, Andy! Please don't leave me! I'm so sorry I didn't shoot him in time! Please don't die," she sobbed.

Andy tried to speak in gentle tones and to touch her gently at first, but when that did nothing to wake her out of her nightmare. He gathered her into his arms and held her on his lap. "Sharon, I'm fine. I'm not dead. You were having a nightmare. Wake up, Sweetheart. Sharon wake up."

Sharon blinked. "Andy?" She asked, her voice hollow and in monotones.

"Yes, it's me. See, I'm fine. You were having a nightmare that I died?"

She nodded tears running down her face. "It was horrible! " She said, shuddering as she remembered her nightmare. She swallowed the lump of terror in her throat. "I knew even as I was dreaming it that's not how it happened but it seemed so real and I couldn't shake the nightmare," she sobbed.

He held her close while she cried knowing she's needed the release. When she was done he handed her tissues to wipe her face. She took the tissues, blew her nose and then looked down, "I thought you had left. That I had driven you away, " she said as tried to swallow back another bout of tears. For a woman who hardly ever cried in front of anyone else she was sure making up for lost time with Andy. Of course the difference was that Sharon felt emotionally safe with Andy even though this evening she had tried to push him away. She had fallen back on old habits in an effort to regain her equilibrium in the aftermath of the shooting.

Andy put a finger beneath her chin to force her to look him in the eye and tenderly said, "No, I won't let you drive me away, Sharon. Remember, I said I'd be back in a couple of hours?"

"I guess I didn't entirely believe you. I'm sorry I tried to push you away. Where did you go?" she asked curiously.

Andy put his head back on the back of the couch a moment. He was wondering how exactly to broach the subject. Then he shrugged his shoulders and decided to face it head on. He'd show her the video. "Rather than tell you I'll show you." He took his iPad, found the video he had made, and played it for her. The video was in pieces. There was a part where Andy was in the car talking to her about his love for her and his desire to test himself so she would see that he wouldn't drink even if it was in front of him. Another one was where he was in the bar where his test would take place and then the part where he visited by his Sponsor, Bruce.

Sharon's brow wrinkled and she frowned when she saw where Andy was in the video.

"You went to a bar? Andy, you've been sober for twenty-two years! Oh my God, I did drive you to drink? It's all my fault!" She looked devastated and stricken with guilt.

Andy knew if he didn't stop her and make her listen to the video she would hit pissed and move onto completely furious. "Sharon, no you did not drive me to drink anymore than you drove me away. You didn't do either. Listen."

Sharon listened to the entire video; from the moment Andy got in the car and started talking until he parted with Bruce to come back to the condo. Silent tears ran down her face. "Sharon, you are hurting right now. I see the pain you are in and I want so much to take you into my arms and comfort you, but because of Jack you are afraid to lean on me. You are afraid to put too much pressure on me or trust me with your feelings. All because of your past experience with an alcoholic who was so self absorbed and in such denial he blamed you when he fell off the wagon. Sharon, I'm not Jack. I know you know that on one level and that making me pay for Jack's mistakes is not intentional. I've been sober for a very long time and a very big part of me feels strongly that I can handle whatever you trust me with. I wouldn't be being truthful if I didn't admit to the tiny part of me that isn't sure. No recovering alcoholic can be 100% sure, but to show us both that I can resist alcohol even if it's sitting right in front of me I've decided to do this test. Sharon, you are my world. I love you more than I could ever express, I know what I'd be giving up if I drank. I'd be giving up you, my relationship with my daughter and her sons and the potential relationship with my own son, Tony. Not to mention my job. It may be a dumb idea but with this test I hope to prove to you and myself that I won't drink no matter what. That even if I feel the desire to drink, I know how to use my resources to avoid giving into those desires. I want to know for sure that I can trust myself and I want you to know that you can trust me. That I'm not fragile and that you can trust me with your feelings."

The video showed Andy finding a seat and Patrick bringing him the three shot glasses and the tumbler of cranberry and soda. She watched, as he smelled the alcohol from each shot glass, but put them down and drank from his non-alcoholic drink. She watched as his resolve began to slip and when he picked up his cell to make a call. She watched as Bruce arrived and listened as he scolded Andy. "You told him about me?" Sharon asked both surprised and concerned.

Andy explained to her. "Just that I had a girlfriend, that you were also in the force and had been married to an alcoholic. He connected the dots."

She looked up to him, "but he knows Jack?"

"He was a police Sergeant in Vice and then Robbery Homicide, at Hollenbeck. I worked there before I worked at Central. He used to be my boss. He's good at connecting the dots and in AA even in LA the AA community is close. Even though it's supposed to be anonymous you see the same people you get to know them and the pieces of their lives sometimes become clear. Jack has made the rounds of the different meetings over the years and Bruce has had to throw him out of a couple of our meetings because of his drunken disorderliness. He only does that, throws him out, I mean if Jack becomes aggressive toward other members which he has...recently," Andy said looking down. He had not wanted to tell her this but in the interest of complete honesty he had decided to tell her about his dealings with her ex.

Sharon questioned him with alarm, "Towards you?"

Andy nodded. "Don't worry, I try to stay away from him and try not to allow him to bait me. It doesn't always work especially if he talks trash about you."

"Don't let him get to you, Andy. You don't have to defend my honor. I don't need you for that." Sharon quoted herself from what she told Andy last year. Though she did know it was hard for him to not step in on her account. "How come you never told me?" She wondered out loud.

Andy knew she deserved to hear the truth so he told her how he felt. "Well, for one thing I didn't want to come off as running to you and tattling on the big bad bully, like we were kids in a school yard. Besides what happens in AA is supposed to stay in AA." Andy shrugged, "the only reason I told you now was that you asked how Bruce knows Jack. I didn't want you to feel that you needed to save me from him. Just like you say, I don't need you for that, Sharon. I'm a big boy and I can handle Jack."

She asked with trepidation, "You didn't hit him did you, Andy?"

He thought how much he would like to have done what Sharon asked. "No, I used my words."

"What did you say exactly?" She needed to know.

"I said that he needed to stop talking trash about you. That you were the love of my life and whether he knew it or not, you were the best thing that had ever happened to him..." Andy looked her in the eye to make sure she understood him well, "or me. That I would be forever thankful that because he was too stupid to know that, that I am the one lucky enough to have you in my life. Unlike him I would cherish you with my whole heart and soul and I would stay committed to being sober so that you would not have to deal with another broken down self absorbed drunk."

"Andy…" Sharon had to try again to hold back all the emotions building in her. "Andy, you said that?"

He smiled and said frankly, "Yes, I did and I meant it."

Sharon pressed her lips together. With her eyes swimming in tear she said,

"Thank you, Andy."

"Every word I said was true, Sharon." Andy kissed the palm of her hand.

"Andy, please don't ever "test" yourself again." Sharon held his hand before continuing, "you...you came too close to throwing twenty-two years of sobriety away. If you had failed that test it would have been all my fault." She tighten grip on Andy's hand.

He intertwined their fingers. "No, Sharon it would have been mine. You are not the reason Jack fell off the wagon, and you would not be the reason if I did. I didn't, by the way come close to losing my sobriety. I know it looked like I did, but I called Bruce, he's my sponsor, as soon as I felt the slightest twinge of resolve slipping.

"But what if he hadn't answered?" Sharon asked earnestly.

"I would have gotten up and gone to a meeting. Honey, I've been doing this a long time. I mean dealing with my disease. I know all the tricks to keep myself from making a mistake. One of them is to call Bruce and talk to him or go to a meeting or several meetings, if the urge to drink is strong. The best of my tricks is to say today I am strong enough to not drink. Granted, trying to test myself wasn't my brightest idea," he gave her a lopsided smile, "I knew that going in, if you want me to be totally honest."

"Andy, if you knew it was a dumb idea, why did you go through with it?" She asked, perplexed.

He answered her confidently, "I guess I just wanted you to see how far I was willing to go to prove to you that I was strong enough for you to lean on. I wanted you to feel like you could trust me, and my little test did accomplish a few things. It reminded me what a good friend Bruce is to me and it proved to me that I'm strong in my resolve to not drink, today. That no matter how close I am to my old favorite drinks I'll have your face, the faces of my children and grandchildren in my mind to help me choose you and them over alcohol. Also if I feel weak that I only need to call Bruce or go to a meeting. I'm strong enough Sharon for you to trust me. I'm not going to drink today."

"What about tomorrow? What if my burdens are too heavy for you tomorrow?" she asked. She knew she was pushing but she had to be sure.

Andy looked into her beautiful green eyes and said sincerely, "We face tomorrow together. As long as we're together we are strong and if we are strong, then what do I need with alcohol? I am strong enough to help you with your burdens, Sharon. You don't have to shield me. I can handle it all."

"But what if something happened to me? Would you drink then?"

"I don't know, Sharon. I'd certainly be devastated enough to want to drown my sorrows, but I would hope that my relationship with Nicole and the boys would be strong enough to make me think twice about it. My daughter would not tolerate me drinking. She'd cut me out of hers and the boy's life faster than you can blink. I wouldn't want to risk that."

One of the things Sharon loved about Andy was his honesty and his open desire to get it right this time. He might bumble around a bit but eventually he got it right. Reassured, she knew she could open up about her feelings about the Dwight Darnell incident. Sharon lay her head on his chest and closed her eyes.

"Talk to me, my love," he said, stroking her cheek tenderly.

Sharon buried her face into Andy's chest. She toyed with the buttons of his shirt and couldn't look him in the eye. "I haven't been able to muster any remorse for killing Dwight. I've felt no guilt, no remorse whatsoever. I was raised old school Catholic. I was taught that if you die before you are redeemed by the sanctity of confession and penance if you don't have true contrition for your sins you would go to hell. I know it's hard for you to think like that. You just think of them as dirtbags and move on."

"That bothers you doesn't it? That we don't seem to be on the same page?" She looked at him and then looked down into her lap and nodded. "Sharon, you think I don't understand what you are experiencing because you are right. I do call them all dirtbags and move on, but I was there once or twice and calling them dirtbags is a coping tool. If I didn't use it, I'd be swallowed up in grief and remorse to the point of not being able to function in this job and I love my job. The Serenity Prayer we recite at AA meetings has helped me a lot as well. Sharon's eyebrows rose in a silent question. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. It's a simple prayer but it helps."

As he recited the words to the Serenity Prayer Sharon said them to herself under her breath. "I've seen that prayer, it was written on the back of a business card of Jack's first sponsor. I'd forgotten about that. It is pretty simple prayer Andy and I'm glad it helps."

Since they were being honest with each other Andy decided to be completely open with the woman he loved and stated, "I'm not sure I've told you about the cases that sent me over the edge."

* * *

 **TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

 **Warning: Discussion of SIDS and child drug-mules. Oh and a sexually intense Shandy moment.  
**

* * *

Sharon looked at Andy; his tone was so serious it worried her. Though as an officer she knew they all had cases that were harder on them then others. She was honored that he would open himself to her, to tell her a something that had affected him and changed his life so long ago. Sharon calmly as she could said, "No, I don't think you did. Will you tell me now?"

Andy took a deep breath and let it out. He closed his eyes and tried to get himself centered and in control of his emotions before he started. "Andy...you don't have to tell me if this is going to be too painful for you, I understand."

"No Sharon, it's okay. I was just gathering my thoughts, but first did you know that my daughter Nicole had an older brother?" Sharon's eyebrows rose to her hairline she was surprised and saddened by the pain she saw in Andy's eyes. Sharon shook her head no. "Connie and I had a boy, Andrew Michael Flynn Junior before Nicole was born. He was our first and we were over the moon. We called him AJ. I was on a stake out when AJ was four months old. We had just started putting him in his own room for his afternoon naps. Connie was nursing so she wanted him close at night. Anyway, she called me to tell me AJ had died. She'd gone into his room to check on him, after she had gotten out of the shower. He wasn't breathing. She called 911 and tried to revive him herself while she waited for them but he'd been gone too long. She had infant CPR training because she was a nurse in the Neonatal Nursery at Sinai Hospital. When she called me, she was hysterical. My partner told me to go to her, that he'd cover for me. So I did, I had to meet Connie at the hospital because she had gone with AJ in the ambulance. She'd called them but even they couldn't help." Andy paused to try and hold back the pain. It was as if he was reliving that moment again. "We were told his death was SIDS. We were all upset. AJ had been a sweet baby boy, but most of all he was our first-born and we loved him. Both Connie and I took it really hard."

Andy took another long deep breath, letting out loudly. "She became depressed and starting blaming me for not being there when it happened. What she didn't know was that I blamed me too. We sought counseling and things seemed to get better. I really missed AJ and I was drinking more but I wasn't an alcoholic yet. Connie got pregnant again, we had Nicole one year to the day that AJ was buried and life went on. Then I caught a case that involved drugs and this guy who was not only selling the drugs he was using too. He was really high on a bad trip and he had his little boy, a tiny little thing and he was terrorizing him with his gun. I ordered him to put his boy down and put the gun down but he went crazy and...and, before I could get him to let go of the child he shot him and I shot the guy and killed him. We rushed the boy to the hospital but he didn't make it. The mother spat at me for killing her husband. She didn't seem to care that he had killed her son." Andy's face was awash with tears.

Sharon's eyes were wet as well, she kissed his tears away. "Andy, you don't have to continue…"

He looked at their join hands in his lap and said, "Yeah, I do Sharon. I mean if you don't mind..."

"Of course I don't mind. I just...this seems so painful."

"It is painful but how can we help each other if we don't share our pain with each other?" Sharon looked at him thoughtfully and considered his question. "Anyway after this happened I went to the bar to drown my sorrows. I was numb like you have been. I didn't feel any remorse whatsoever and I questioned that. I was brought up Catholic, like you and I expected to feel guilt. How could I not feel anything for the human life I took? I went to confession but it didn't help me. Our priests were more taciturn, back then. They just sent me away with the penance of reciting ten Hail Mary's and fifteen Our Fathers. Like that was going to help. They weren't like Father Mike. If I'd had a Father Mike back then, who knows confession might have worked for me."

Sharon nodded and smiled in agreement. "I saw him today."

"You did? How did it go?"

"It went well he listened to what I had to say, counseled me about my feelings or lack thereof, he absolved me. In his word's, 'whether I liked it or not,' but..."

Andy knew Sharon well and he knew that it wouldn't be enough to release the guilt she felt so he temped her to talk more about it by asking, "But?"

"We talked about our living arrangements and I must say the Catholic Church has changed quite a bit more than I realized. Father Mike was very blasé about our living arrangements. He seemed far more concerned about us both being Catholic and divorced, than the fact we're living together. What I guess, I mean is that he seem to feel that our both being Catholic and divorced made it all okay or to quote him 'not a problem.' I feel like attitudes and rules in the Catholic Church are changing faster than I can keep up with." Sharon smiled at that.

"I know what you mean," he paused as he thought about how she would feel. He knew Sharon Raydor didn't like not knowing what was going on with everything around her, it made her feel unbalanced, but Andy agreed with the new ways. "I welcome the changes. It's about time the Church realizes that they can't hold us to a higher standard when their own priests can't live up to that standard. They need to relax some of their rules, but we are digressing."

Sharon looked apologetic. "Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted you. Go on."

"It's okay anyway, the problem for me was I didn't feel guilt for killing the perpetrator, but I was full of pain for the kid he destroyed. I felt guilty for not being able to save him. Somehow, I think that little boy and my own little boy kinda merged in my head, you know?" Sharon nodded and stroked his cheek in sympathy. "So I drank to numb the pain. Unfortunately I also became a first class jerk. Alcohol brings the worst out in me, I'm afraid. I'm not abusive just...crankier than usual." Sharon rolled her eyes and pressed her lips together and tried hard not to smirk. "Anyway, once I was cleared for duty I went back to work and that very week we started finding the bodies of some children that had died being drug mules. They weren't street kids, throwaways as some say, which would have been terrible in and of itself. These children belonged to parents that were selling drugs and using them to do it. They were young, six or seven and I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that anybody could do that to kids! My son AJ was dead, but these scumbags had kids and were using and abusing them. Killing them and tossing them out like trash. DCFS was trying hard to help these kids especially the young ones but they were overwhelmed. There were just too many...Things spiraled out of control for me after that. Connie was pregnant again, and very hormonal, constantly on me about my drinking. The only peace I got was when I got to spend time with Nicole and after he was born, Tony. We were inseparable when I wasn't at work or... at the bar that is. I was at Nicole's first six birthday parties and Tony's first three but as the drinking got worse I started missing birthdays and other family events. That's when Connie divorced me. Tony was four, Nicole was seven when she finally kicked me out."

He swallowed back the lump in his throat and cleared it. "You'd think that seeing these things I would go home, hug my kids and try to be the best dad ever, but seeing my kids only reminded me of the faces of the kids that I was seeing in my work. Kids that I was unable to save and vice versa. I drank more to numb that pain and before I had realized it I was an alcoholic. Bruce saw what was happening and tried to help me. He been down that road too, but it wasn't until Connie finally kicked me out that I was ready to listen."

Andy was surprised how easy it was to let all these painful memories out. Though Sharon and her support always did make things easier for him. "When I started going to AA Bruce became my sponsor. We had a couple more cases involving kids and drugs and I had a couple of slips. Bruce tried to talk me into transferring out of Vice and into a more administrative role, but I didn't want to sit behind a desk. I wanted to be in the trenches. So I went over to Robbery/Homicide and from there to Major Crimes. He also shared his philosophy with me about the perps being dirtbags. He said that dismissing them, as dirtbags would help to distance me from the pain of having to kill them so that it wouldn't tear me apart. It does help, but it doesn't always help when it comes to their victims. The difference is, I have my AA meetings, I have the Serenity Prayer. I go to confession with Father Mike, but most of all I have you, my daughter and her kids. I know that as long as I remember what I have to lose, I won't drink."

"I believe you, Andy." Sharon looked him in the eye and then down at their hands that were together with fingers intertwined. She cleared her throat and looked back up at him.

"I'm so sorry, I tried to push you away. I've always had to go it alone and I guess I was afraid that if I allowed you to be there for me I'd start crying and not be able to stop. Also I was afraid that if I leaned too hard it would be too much for you. It was always too much for Jack if I needed him. I'm sorry I didn't have more faith in you."

He squeezed her hand, "I'm sorry Jack did that to you. Addicts are very manipulative. You were never the reason for his inability to commit to his sobriety, Sharon it was always on him."

Sharon's voice was low as she replied, "I guess I knew that in the back of my mind, but Jack was a master at making me feel like the one at fault."

"It's what addicts do best."

She nodded and looked up at him, "you are so different from Jack. You were both alcoholics, both had the same things to lose, but he failed and you have succeeded. What makes the difference? I wonder," she mused.

"Well, I can only speak for myself, but once I climbed out of the bottle, I realized what I had lost and that it was my own fault. I realized how much I missed my children and how much I wanted to be part of their lives. It's what kept me motivated all these years, but Sharon, it wasn't until you went to Nicole's wedding with me that I ever had a ghost of a chance to redeem myself. When they saw that a classy lady like you would not only give me the time of day, but would purposely spend time with me, they finally started seeing me as something more than a drunk."

Sharon's heart broke for him. She caressed his face that already had a bit of the five-o'clock shadow. "Andy, you did the work. You were the one that stayed sober all these years. I just went as a buffer."

"Yes and what a buffer you were." He gave her a lopsided smile, "you made all the difference Sharon and I am so thankful for you and I love you more than I can ever express!"

Sharon smiled and kissed him. "I love you too, Andy."

Her eyes were heavy lidded she was tired. He kissed her on the lips and her eager response let him know that although yes she was tired she needed him to make love to her. "Are you ready to go to bed?" he asked.

"Well, it depends on what you mean to do in bed," she asked huskily.

"I guess if I said sleep that wouldn't be the right answer?" he teased. Andy's hand caressed her thigh under her peignoir. He was happy to note that she wasn't wearing any panties. The tips of his fingers brushed against her center. He moved his fingers to touch her core, her nub of pleasure. She was warm and already wet for him.

She jumped and then wiggled closer. "Take me to bed, Andy, please. Make love to me."

He nudged her so that she stood up, and he stood up too. "I know it would be more romantic for me to carry you to the bedroom, but it wouldn't be very romantic if I dropped you. Not that you're heavy or anything, but Nolan did a number on my shoulder this morning. It's a little sore."

"Andy, you're hurt? Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, concerned.

"It's nothing, it s a little sore but it won't get in the way of anything important, he said roguishly."

She gave him a half glare as she asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure now let's get back to what we were about to do. My need to be with you far outweighs any little twinges. Come on…" Sharon gave him a long look and finally turned to go down the hall with him.

Once in their room Andy locked the door and they quickly divested each other of their clothes. She inspected his bruise, but although it did seem sore to the touch, he could move his arm. He distracted her by backing her towards the bed, and he helped her lay down. He looked her in the eyes and then allowed his eyes to drink in the sight of her beautiful body. It wasn't nubile like the bodies of the women he used to be with, but truth be told he found her body much more attractive than the bodies of the younger women. For one thing hers was the body of the woman he loved. She took care of herself by exercising everyday that she was able in the pool upstairs. She had a few scars here and there her breasts although not huge were just the right size for her. There were freckles which he loved sprinkled across her chest as well as across her nose. Her hips were narrow, her stomach as flat as a woman who has given birth to two children can be. There was a scar from the c-section she'd had from when she had Ricky.

Sharon looked back at him watching him as his eyes perused her body. She knew because his brown eyes told her that he was not displeased by what he saw. He was entranced. Andy's eyes were worshipping her body. He looked like a kid in a candy shop not knowing where to begin. He kissed her tenderly and then he bent his head as he kissed his way down her neck to where her neck met her shoulders. She hummed in pleasure. Then his mouth dipped to her breasts. She held his head between her hands caressing his hair and his scalp. She moaned giving a soft cry and her upper back arched off the bed when his lips made contact with her very sensitive nipples. He sucked softly, rolling her nipple in his mouth and then sucked on the other one. He rolled the one he had been sucking between his fingers. Watching her reaction was a sensual experience. Her lips formed an adorable "Oh," her eyes were closed, and her face as a whole was a study in both concentration and relaxed ecstasy. She wiggled her bottom a little and one of his hands went down to her center to explore her nub of pleasure.

She was very hot and wet with desire. His fingers rubbed with light feather-like touches as his lips moved back up her beautiful neck to her kissable lips for a long lingering kiss. As he made his way slowly down to her center again he gave more attention to her breasts. He kneaded them and ran his tongue between them. Then as his mouth was buried into her folds he stroked the inside of her thighs using one hand to adjust her legs so they rested across his shoulder. His other hand he put beneath her bottom and put one of their pillows under her hips to tilt it to the best advantage.

At first Andy took his time licking, sucking, and tasting her. He listened to her cries, moans and hums, tweaking her nipples, exploring her inner walls with his fingers. It was to stretch her to prepare her for his length, but as her cries became more and more frenzied his tongue and fingers found a rhythm that allowed him to bring her to a crashing orgasm rather quickly. Once he brought her to her first orgasm of the night he stood up, and took his rather large member and slid the tip between her folds. Andy entered her slowly at first. Moving just the tip in and out a little bit at a time. He worked a little more in every time he entered. Their schedules had left no time for them to be together like this lately and she was always very tight coming off a long stretch of not being intimate, but Sharon had changed her mind about wanting to make love, what she wanted was to be ravished. Making slow gentle love would come later; at this moment she needed it hard and fast. "Andy, I need you to go faster please! Faster!" she groaned and let her head fall back.

As her hands behind her knees pulling her legs up and apart, Andy asked. "Are you sure, Sharon?"

She nodded, "yes please. I need it hard and fast! All of it please, don't be gentle. I need to scream!

He bottomed out giving her all of him. Andy had always been careful to go slow when entering her because he was very well endowed, in both length and girth. She made a noise that sounded like a scream and a growl when he bottomed out. The sound she made caused him to be even more aroused. He set a fast and furious pace that lasted a good while, he felt himself about to come and wanting her to come with him, so he placed his thumb on her nub and started to make uncoordinated circles adding to the pressure his member was already giving her. Sharon jerked, as his length and his thumb put pressure on her pleasure nub. She felt the second orgasm of the night spiraling around and suddenly she jerked again and her legs straighten out around him. Her body spasmed in a truly spectacular orgasm, she screamed his name. The pleasure she'd experienced as they came together had been so intense she squirted copiously wetting the sheets. He captured her lips in a bone-searing kiss, and when he came up for air, he whispered breathlessly, "Sharon, that was soo hot! I can't even describe in mere words how hot that was! Wow! Sharon...Sharon, are you okay? Baby? Wake up! Sharon!"

Sharon had experienced the petite death, something that is spoken about but rarely experienced by someone like her. She was so completely aroused; the orgasm was so intense, that she had quite literally lost consciousness at the height of it. For a moment it felt like she was floating, then she heard Andy 's voice. He was calling her name and she felt him touch her face. Then she heard the panic in his voice when she didn't respond at first. She felt herself coming back and she made a low sound that was halfway between a growl and a hum. She arched her back languorously. She could feel they were still connected intimately and she rolled her hips trying to urge him to begin anew. Sharon could feel him hard as a rock inside of her, and it felt so good to be connected like this. She opened her eyes when she heard a sound that she couldn't identify.

Andy lay on top of her with his bottom half but his top half lay to the left of her. His face was buried in his arm, and he was breathing heavily. He was relieved to know that she was alright but she had scared him half to death. In spite of his efforts to hold it back a sob escaped. "Andy, what happened? Are you okay? Andy, what's wrong my darling?" she tugged and pulled at him until he lay with his head resting on her chest. Sharon encircled his upper body with one of her arms holding him close, with the other she ran her fingers through his hair and began murmuring to him.

Andy hugged her back and buried his face in her chest for a moment. "Oh God, Sharon! I thought I'd killed you! I thought you were dead! One minute you were screaming my name and begging me to go faster, to make you scream and the next you squirted. Your body went rigid, you shuddered and were completely still and didn't even seem to be breathing. My heart nearly stopped."

Sharon was getting ready to assure him of the obvious, that she wasn't dead when the part about her squirting registered. "Wait a minute, I did I...what? I...sq...squirted?" Sharon was at worst scandalized at best confused.

"Yeah, you did! That's never happened before. I've never been able to make a girl do that before… it was… awesome! If I hadn't happened to be convinced I'd killed you I would have been beating my chest like Tarzan," he said jokingly. He watched as she processed what he was saying and became aware of the fact that the sheets were soaked beneath her and saw the look of horror on her lovely face. "It's okay, Sharon it only happens when a woman is hyper-aroused and only to some women. You just happen to be one of the lucky ones. Now that I'm thinking about it I think those moments when you were unconscious is called the little death. No wonder I thought I killed you! Geez!" He rolled his eyes.

"But Andy...it's never happened to me before, ever! I mean ever, Andy." Her eyes were closed and her face was flushed crimson her hands started to cover her face.

Andy realized she was feeling ashamed. He caught her hands and wouldn't allow her to hide from him. "Sweetheart, don't be embarrassed. It's not pee. It's like what I ejaculate only without the sperm. You just make more than I do." Sharon snorted an adorable half laugh half sob. "When it comes to the little death I was scared because I've never experienced bringing someone to that threshold before. Actually, it was really hot! The squirting part, I mean. The part where I thought you were dead scared the crap out of me. Um...how did it feel?" he asked curiously.

Sharon didn't answer right away. She tried to remember her feelings during that time. She stroked his cheek. "Like I was floating away on a cloud. Everything was quiet and peaceful. It was a wonderful feeling but then I heard you calling my name and just like that I was back." She snapped her fingers. She shrugged and then wriggled her bottom, "I have an idea about how we could finish this and get some real sleep," she said moving to stand up.

"Does this idea involve a sexy shower?" Andy asked hopefully.

Sharon rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. "That's up to him," she said shaking her head dubiously with a raised eyebrow as she pointed to his member which had softened but was becoming bigger and thicker and more alert at the mention of a sexy shower. "Before we explore that idea will you help me change the bed?"

"Sure thing." They worked together and it was done quickly. The rose satin and polyester cotton blend sheets were put in the washing machine along with the mattress cover, and straightaway was replaced with an ecru version. Then they made their way to the shower.

After they got in the shower Andy took her into his arms and kissed her tenderly. "I know that we've said it before and I know we will say it many many times more but I want to tell you that, I love you more than I can ever express. I hope you know that. The thing that went through my mind at the split second when I thought I'd killed you is, that I was so very glad that I'd said it to you earlier when we were talking before."

Sharon put her fingers over his lips. "Andy, I know you love me I really do. You've shown me in a thousand different ways everyday and... I love you too, more than I can ever tell you."

"Let's find a way to tell each other everyday so we never have to wonder if the other person knows," Sharon said as she moved the washcloth over his body.

"Sounds like a plan." He said guiding her hands in a particular direction, "and I can think of an especially pleasant way to tell you I love you as we speak." Andy said with a smirk.

Sharon smiled. "I thought we did that," she said smirking back at him.

"Sweetheart, what we did before was mind blowing, stress relieving sex. Which was incredibly wonderful, but what I want to do now is make love to you. Every beautiful inch of you."

Sharon smiled again and stepped closer to him, she slid her hand down his stomach and as she took hold of him she ran her nails on the underside of his fully engorged length using gentle feather-like touches. "I think I have an even better plan. How about we make love to each other and I'll start first."

With that she sank to the shower bench and she pulled him to stand before her. His breath caught in his throat as he felt her velvet mouth around the tip of his fully alert member. As her lips and tongue ministered to him he massaged her head and moaned his pleasure. Her fingers massaged his thighs as she licked and nibbled her way towards his balls. She felt him jerk, and growl as the tip of her index finger stroked the chode. Sharon licked and sucked until she knew he was very close to an orgasm, and then she stopped and pulled him down on top of her. She put her arms around his neck and whispered, "My turn."

Once their sexy shower was finished and they both were sexually sated, Sharon and Andy dried each other off and went to bed, to sleep this time.

* * *

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